Having the Talk with Aging Parents

If conversations with parents about their finances, wishes for end-of-life care, and how they want to distribute their assets never happen, children are left to figure it out. But if these conversations take place with dignity and respect, says a recent article in The New York Times, “A 5-Point Checklist for Managing Your Aging Parents’ Money,” everyone benefits.

For some families, the realization that the talk must happen comes only when a dementia or terminal illness diagnosis is made. Adults may know their parents have a pension and receive Social Security, but there’s so much more to address. Estate planning attorneys and gerontologists say the most common mistake is treating the parents’ situation as a crisis to be solved.

Telling parents what they must do will shut down the conversation. Listening to what they want and helping them get there will keep the lines of communication open. Here are the five points to address:

1–Start the conversation early to make sure it continues. It’s hard for parents to come to terms with aging and the loss of independence, so be patient. You may start by gaining access to a checking account and, when it becomes necessary, helping pay bills. When keeping accounts straight becomes too difficult, you’ll be prepared to take over.

2–Understand the details. Where do they bank, and how do they pay bills? Print out the last year of statements from all accounts to get an idea of where the money is coming in and where it’s being spent. Which bills are being paid monthly, quarterly, or annually?

If you see they need financial help and if you’re in a position to do so, talk with them about what you are willing to do. Set a monthly maximum and be clear about it. You might want to pay only for necessities, like groceries and prescriptions.

3–Get access to their accounts. Ask to be added as an authorized user on their accounts. You’ll want to be able to deposit, withdraw, transfer money, and pay bills. Don’t rush to have your parents add you or your siblings as joint owners to accounts. This has larger implications that can put your parents’ finances at risk. If you are sued, your accounts are your own and vulnerable. There are also tax consequences to consider. Depending on the circumstances, adding a joint owner may be treated as a gift for federal gift tax purposes. If the gift exceeds the annual federal gift tax exclusion amount ($19,000 in 2026), a federal gift tax return may be required

4–Discuss a durable power of attorney. This is a legal document naming someone to make financial decisions on a person’s behalf if the person is living but too sick to manage their own affairs. You’ll also want them to have a health care power of attorney so you or someone they name can make health care decisions and talk with their medical providers.

Most people name their spouse as a POA, but this is problematic if their spouse passes or becomes incapacitated. There needs to be a backup person named so someone else—an adult child, a trusted friend or relative—can serve.

5–Make sure wills and beneficiaries are up to date . If your parents created an estate plan when you and your siblings were young, it’s likely to cause more problems than it solves. Changes in the law in the last five years alone mean most people’s wills aren’t necessarily going to achieve their goals. Changes in life, the addition of spouses, grandchildren, moving, etc., make it imperative to have an updated will. If the estate planning attorney they knew decades ago is no longer practicing, help them find someone they are comfortable with to review their estate plan. The estate planning attorney will know what other documents are needed in their state.

Beneficiaries on all financial accounts should be checked to ensure they are also up to date. If no beneficiary is named, the account becomes part of the probate estate and could be tied up for months.

These are not easy conversations to have and will take effort from everyone, but they will help make the coming years easier for all.

Dana Ware of Hudson Legacy Law is a premiere Hudson Valley Trust Attorney. If you’re ready to start planning your family’s future, book a consultation with  Hudson Legacy Law  today.

Reference : The New York Times (June 6, 2026) “A 5-Point Checklist for Managing Your Aging Parents’ Money”